one day you wake up
and he no longer finds you
that ringing inside your ear
falls silent
no longer picking apart the back of your brain
gluing it back together with himself lodged inside
he no longer sleeps under your covers at night
dismantles your memories
or takes part in your hobbies
one day you wake up
and the static is gone
it does not worry you to hold another man's hand
or to stare too long at something pretty
it no longer grieves you that he no longer finds you
to come home to a space left exactly as you found it
to draw open the shades
cook dinner for one
to laugh when you want to
to get angry
to smile.

When I can no longer contain it
I press my face to the window in preparation of losing it
I take a deep breath in and then scream for nine
my heat breaks the glass
when I can no longer contain it

I'm capable of throwing porcelain
or my love around
like a disposable razor
or anything that reproduces itself
boomerang

you pull tears from my eyes
like an unveiling of a masterwork
congratulations in exposing what you never wanted to see
when you had the power
you ran
when you could no longer contain it

I smirk when I shouldn't
and take chances where I have none to take
when I can no longer contain it
I don't
I let my laughter spill all over my nervousness
as an avalanche down my sides

you'd be amazed at how everlasting
my anger
it lays dormant for years then
katrina reincarnate
I could terrorize the atmosphere
or puff up against it
make sweet amends
then seam rip a backbone.

If the Lord wants you to do a specific work for Him, He will give you a burden for that work. Your heart will keep drawing you to that specific task or work. As the day draws closer for you to accomplish and know God's will for your life, your burden will become heavier to accomplish it. If you run away from God's will, you will always go back because the burden will not go away.

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. - Anais Nin

So I've decided to leave my job. I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed with school; finding myself stressed at times for no reason. I've been mentally absent from work. Physically present but pulled in too many other directions to focus on any task at hand. I think it's noticeable. It was easy to hide at first, but lately I've been screwing up a lot of things. I think it's become obvious that I am not consciously engaged between the hours of 9 - 4pm Monday through Friday. I want to focus solely on school and on my art work. One of the most difficult things for me these last few months has been the lack of time I have for painting. When I'm not producing art I feel empty and depleted. Like a shell of a person. The scariest part about the whole transition is that I do not have another job lined up. I'm going to take the plunge regardless. I need to. For my future, for myself. At this point in my life I'm more fearful of stagnation than of change.